


Emotions

by ElliePollie



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Death, F/F, GAY RIGHTS!, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21965881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElliePollie/pseuds/ElliePollie
Summary: Jessica deals with a whole host of emotions in the aftermath of the tragic events that took place on Blackwood Mountain. Then she gets the call, Beth is dead but the rangers found Hannah although she's experienced some changes and a whole new host of emotions hit her.
Relationships: Emily Davis & Jessica Riley (Until Dawn), Jessica Riley & Hannah Washington, Jessica Riley & Hannah Washington & Sam Giddings, Jessica Riley & Matt Taylor (Until Dawn), Jessica Riley/Hannah Washington
Kudos: 27





	1. Regret and Remorse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wolfkid9963](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfkid9963/gifts).



> Merry Christmas to Kiddo! I had such a great time writing this so I hope you enjoy it! Gay Rights!

Regret didn’t take long to hit. When the twins didn’t come back after ten minutes, then twenty, then an hour, then two, it was clear that something bad had happened. They hoped that they’d just got lost or ended up at the guest cabin. But the next day when they still hadn’t turned up and the rest of them were searching through the snow, hoping the rangers would turn up soon, that’s when the magnitude of what had happened hit. Regret was what Jessica felt then. 

As they packed up the cabin to leave the search to the rangers, Jess could feel the accusing glares of the others boring into her back. They blamed her. 

After sitting on her bag in the lounge for a while, feeling Josh’ eyes on her, she got up and headed back upstairs. She retreated to the guest room that Mike and Emily had been staying in, hoping to find an ally in Emily. 

Jess walked into the room, not bothering to knock. Emily had her back to the door, she was bent over her weekend bag on the bed, carefully arranging all of her possessions. Her hair was flatter and lanker than usual, her shoulders hunched. Emily was not often one to look dishevelled, but in that moment, alone in her room, she was lost and tired and scared and she looked every ounce of it. 

Jess was somewhat thankful to find that her best friend seemed as shaken as she felt.    
“Michael, I told you to stay-” Emily turned around with a scowl on her face, “oh, it’s you,” she muttered turning back to her bag.    
“Hey,” Jess sighed, flopping down on the bed, glad to have some sympathetic company.    
“Hi,” Emily replied in a clipped tone.    
Unfazed by Emily’s coldness, which was pretty typical, Jess continued, “so, I was downstairs and Josh wouldn’t stop glaring at me, he’s such a creep, right?”   
Emily just humphed in response, Jessica didn’t need any more encouragement to continue.    
“He’s probably, like, plotting our deaths right now!” Jess blew some hair out of her face, “probably getting his inspo from some creepy movie or something. It’s not fair anyway,” Jess huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.    
“Excuse me, what the fuck do you mean it’s not fair?” Emily turned her full attention to Jessica for the first time since she had entered the room and Jessica realised that Emily’s demeanour was the exact opposite of cold, it was hot, raging fire.    
Emily was angry. 

“Well, you know, it’s not like it’s my fault, is it? He can’t blame me.”    
“What the fuck is wrong with you? What about this situation does your thick skull not get? You want to talk about fair, Hannah and Beth are out there freezing and starving to death and your still here, so yeah, I think it’s pretty fucking fair that Josh is pissed at you.”    
Jess sat up, stunned at Emily’s harshness, or not so much the harshness, she was used to that, what she wasn’t used to was having it aimed at her.    
“You were a part of it too!”    
“I didn’t come up with it, I didn’t write that note, that’s on you.” Emily quickly zipped up her bag, picked up her things and stalked out of the room without looking back. 

Jessica, sat there, bewildered at first. Then she started to fume. How dare Emily try to pin everything on her, everyone else had gone along with it, even, ‘oh so innocent’ Ashley had joined in, happy for once that the joke wasn’t on her. 

Anyway, she couldn’t have known what would happen, how was she supposed to predict that Hannah would run off into the woods. Who does that anyway? What kind of idiot runs off into the woods without a coat? She could have gone to a bathroom or her bedroom or anywhere else in the huge lodge. 

She deserved it anyway, all Hannah ever talked about was ‘Mike this’ and ‘Mike that’. All Jess had wanted to do was show her what a jerk Mike was and maybe cause some humiliation in the process. God knew how many times she’d felt like an idiot around Hannah. 

She and Beth had no right to run off into that storm. The others had no right to blame her and Emily, Emily definitely had no right to be angry at her. 

Anger was what Jessica felt next. 

Jessica seethed all the way home, refusing to talk to Emily and ignoring the glares from the others. Her older sister picked her up from the airport. She marched to the car without even a wave to any of her so-called friends. 

“You wanna talk about it?” her sister asked casually once they were on the road.    
“No,” Jessica jammed her earphones in, grabbed a pack of bubble gum out of the glove box and shoved one in her mouth.    
Her sister shrugged and they drove the rest of the way home in silence. 

Her younger sisters crowded around them as they entered the house, Jessica ignored them all and marched straight to her shared bedroom. She slammed the door, dragged a chair over and shoved it under the handle. 

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit something. She paced back and forth across the small room, her anger heating up to boiling point. She threw herself onto her bed, scattering her various pillows. She grabbed one and dug her fists into its soft fur. She held it tightly for a few seconds, her arms shaking with anger. Then she flung it across the room with a scream. 

There was a clatter and a smash as it hit something off the dresser.    
“Shit!” Jessica got up, and went over, knowing there would be hell to pay if she’d broken one of her sister’s things. 

She snatched up the pillow and threw it back on to her bed, sighing in relief when she saw that the item underneath was one of her own photo frames. She picked up the frame and turned it over, wondering which one it was. Her face fell as she took in the photo on the other side of the smashed glass. 

It was the collage that Hannah had given her of the two of them for her birthday. A little voice in the back of her head suddenly spoke up, asking the question that she’d been avoiding. What if they never find them? What if she’d lost Hannah? What if it was all her fault? 

Jessica bust into thick, choking sobs.    
“I-I’m sorry,” she carefully replaced the frame where it had been standing and then backed away from it until the back of her legs hit her bed, “I’m s-so sorry.”

She collapsed onto the bed, curling herself up into a ball and burrowing beneath layers of fluffy blankets. Jess cried herself hoarse. She cried until, exhausted and spent, she fell asleep. Remorse was what haunted Jessica’s dreams that night. Remorse was what Jessica felt about that night at Blackwood Pines. 


	2. Relief

At first, when they told her they’d found Hannah a huge wave of relief hit her, but then they started using words like  _ ‘partial transformation’ _ and  _ ‘responding well to stimuli’ _ and  _ ‘anthropophagite’ _ and a whole new wave of confusing emotions hit her. She had to look up what that last one meant. 

> anthropophagite[ an- _ thruh _ - **pof** - _ uh _ -jahyt ]  
>  _ noun  
>  _ an eater of human flesh; cannibal.

She didn’t like to think about what that meant. 

She hoped that now Hannah had been found the others might stop blaming her, but that didn’t happen. Ashley still glared at her whenever she saw her in the corridors at school. She was pretty sure that Josh had deleted her off all of his social media and wasn’t planning on reconnecting anytime soon. Emily still wasn’t returning her texts and calls. 

She wanted to be able to sit wrapped up in a blanket on Emily’s couch or bed until who knows when in the morning, sorting through all these emotions and thoughts, making sense of them together. Instead, all she got was a call from Sam telling her that Hannah had been found and then an awkward silence before both girls said goodbye and hung up. 

What happened now? Was Jessica even included in what happened next or had she been written out of the story as the wicked villain who wasn’t welcome back? Hannah probably hated her even more than everyone else did. 

Jessica hated to admit it, but again, she felt relieved at this. Relieved that she would probably never have to face Hannah after what had happened, see the hurt and betrayal on her face in the flesh and not just in her memory, see the damage that her cruel prank had inflicted on innocent, undeserving Hannah. Relieved that Hannah would never want to see her again. 

***

“She what?!” Jess yelled down the phone.    
“Yeah, she’s asked to see everyone, I don’t know, I think she just wants some closure or something,” Sam explained.    
“Oh,” was all she could manage in response.    
“So, will you come? I know it’s short notice, but everyone else has agreed and I know it would mean a lot to her.”    
“Uh…” Jessica honestly didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even know how she felt. 

Shocked that Hannah wanted to see  _ her _ , the one who had played such a cruel prank, the one who had caused all this. She couldn’t comprehend Hannah’s reasoning behind  _ that _ . 

Fear at the inevitable attack which was sure to ensue once she came into contact with the others and then with Hannah. She knew that she wouldn’t come out of the visit unscathed, she felt that it was as likely that she would receive a soul-destroying takedown as a punch to the face, perhaps she would get both. 

Small and relying on her looks rather than her athleticism or brains, Jess didn’t think she stood very much chance against any of the others. Especially not Hannah, who’s dark eyes could easily melt her off the face of the earth. 

Curiosity, what exactly had happened to Hannah? What was this _'partial transformation'_ that she had heard mentioned? Transformation into what? 

And again, that pesky emotion that kept coming back, relief. Relief that Hannah wanted to see her. That even if it was only once more she’d get to see the beautiful, tall, dark-haired girl and apologise for all she had done even if she could never make up for it. Relief and hope that perhaps, just perhaps, Hannah didn’t hate her. 

“...okay.”   
“Okay?”    
“Okay, I’ll come.”    
“That’s great Jess, I’ll give you all the details.”    
“Okay,” Jess gulped, uncertainty. 


	3. Reunion

“Are you getting out or not?” Her sister exhaled in frustration.    
“I don’t know,” Jess replied, chewing her lip in a way that was much more characteristic of Ashley than of herself.    
Jess was sitting in the passenger seat of her sister's car, staring out at the large, modern, private hospital that they’d driven nearly two hours to get to. She’d almost got out two times already, but both times had chickened out and had curled back up in her seat. 

Everyone hated her and with good reason. But really there was only one person who’s opinion mattered to her. She could deal with all the others hating her. She thought she might break if it turned out Hannah did too. And why wouldn’t she? This entire mess was her fault. 

“Jessica Riley,” her sister snapped at her.    
“What?” Jess replied miserably.    
“Here,” her sister stuck a stick of lip gloss in her face.   
Jess instinctively leaned back, “how is that going to help me?”   
“Put your lipgloss on and remember who the fuck you are! You’re going to march in there, you’re not going to take shit from anyone and you’re going to get some damn closure from this shit storm of a mess. Okay?”    
“Okay,” Jess sniffed, taking the lipgloss and unscrewing the lid. 

She flipped down the sun visor and used the mirror to apply the lip gloss. As soon as she had it on she felt much more herself. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d put make-up on, she’d shut herself up at home for so long in shame it had seemed pointless. 

Armed with the stick of lipgloss, she took a deep breath, opened the car door and stepped out into the car park. She shivered against the light, late May breeze and quickly made her way across the parking lot to the front doors of the building. 

The doors slid open for her as she approached. The reception was white and spotless, a young man stood behind the desk and smiled broadly at her as she entered. There were two large, expensive-looking pieces of blue abstract art up on the walls. Some sleek, white lounge chairs and a few very green plants placed in the empty corners. She felt underdressed in her yoga pants, tank top and hoodie for a fancy place like this. She hadn’t known what to wear when she got up this morning. She doesn’t exactly have a go-to outfit for ‘visiting your friend (who you played a cruel prank on causing her to get lost in the mountains for over a month) in the hospital’. 

“Good afternoon, how can I help you,” the receptionist asked.    
Jessica gulped, “uh… I’m here to see Hannah Washington.”    
“Name?”    
“Jessica Riley.”   
The receptionist nodded as he looked at something on the computer in front of him, “okay Ms Riley, here is your visitors pass,” he held out a lanyard with a card hanging off the end of it.    
“Thank you,” Jessica nodded and placed it around her neck.    
“If you just take a seat,” the receptionist motioned to the chairs, “someone will be out to escort you momentarily.”    
Jessica nodded and retreated to the seating area. 

She sat, nervously perched on the edge of one of the chairs, worried about getting it dirty. Everything was just so clean and perfect. Instead of the normal, crappy, out of date magazines that normally occupy waiting rooms, this coffee table had a copy of that day’s news as well as a few sleek large books on topics like minimalism, nature and fashion. She was tempted by the fashion book but was too worried about crinkling the pages to pick it up and leaf through it. Instead, she settled on picking at the lint gathering on the knees of her yoga pants. 

“Ms Riley?”    
She looked up to find a nurse calling out her name from the doorway that lead to the rest of the facility. She got up and walked over to him.    
“Good afternoon,” he smiled, “I’m here to escort you to Ms Washington’s accommodation.”  
Jessica nodded and followed him as he led her along spotless white corridors. 

Jessica shoved her hands in the pockets of her hoodie. She felt the stick of lipgloss resting inside one of them. She gripped it tightly and taking a deep breath, steeled herself to be brave. She forced a smile onto her face and then words out of her mouth. 

“Is everyone else already here?” She asked the nurse.    
“I believe that you are the final visitor,” he nodded. 

As they went down yet more corridors, Jess began to wonder how big this place was and how many patients it housed. How many rich people got shipped off here when their relatives didn’t want to deal with them anymore? 

They arrived at a door with a plaque that read ‘Ms Washington’ on it. The nurse knocked on the door. Judging from the noise, there seemed to be a bit of a commotion on the other side. After a few moments, the door opened and Matt popped his head around it. 

“Hey Jess,” he smiled timidly at her.    
“Hi, Matt.”    
“Is everything alright in there, should I get someone?” the nurse asked.    
“Everything is fine, it’s all under control. I was just asked to um… prep Jess before she comes in.”    
“Right, well I will leave you here if that is alright?”    
Matt nodded, stepping out of the room and watching as the nurse walked away. 

“Let’s sit down,” Matt gestured to a little bench on the opposite wall of the corridor.    
Jess followed him and they both sat at opposite ends of the bench.    
“I don’t know why they’ve asked me to do this? I don’t understand half of it.” Matt muttered.    
“Probably because you’re the only person that will talk to me.” Jess sulked.    
Matt gave her a sympathetic look. 

“So, what’s the low down?”   
“Well after partaking in anthro- anthro… can I just say cannibalism?”    
Jess rolled her eyes and nodded, stupid doctors always trying to make everything more complicated than it needed to be just to sound intelligent.    
“After Hannah… did that… well, the human body isn’t meant to process human meat, surprisingly, so consuming it changed her… somehow. I don’t really get it. But one of her eyes is all clouded over and doesn’t see that well, and her cheek has this big tear in it and her teeth are all sharp and pointy, she’s developed some odd behaviours and yeah, basically, don’t stare too much and try not to freak out.” 

Unfortunately, inside, Jessica was already freaking out. Each change that Matt listed was another item to add to the long list of terrible things that were her fault. 

“Jess?”    
“Uh… yeah,” she plastered on a smile, “no freaking out,” she nodded.    
“Okay, you feel ready to go in?”    
“Just give me a sec,” Jessica breathed in deeply and then out again, “okay, I think I’m ready.”    
Matt gave her an encouraging smile as he stood up and then walked over to the door. She followed, shoving her hands inside her pockets again and gripping onto that stick of lipgloss for dear life. 

Matt opened the door and they both walked into the room. It was more of a swish apartment than a hospital room. It took a few moments for Jess to locate Hannah because of all the people in there. 

Nearest to her sat Emily and Mike, both sitting stiffly on a large couch. Ashley and Chris were sat on another couch, looking significantly more at home than Emily and Mike. Ashley had her feet curled up under her and Chris was leaning back into the couch head leant on one of the armrests. 

Mr and Mrs Washington occupied the third couch. Jessica hadn’t seen a whole lot of either of them throughout her time as friends with the Washington siblings. They always seemed to be jetting off to one place or another. Still, it wasn’t hard to notice that they both looked tired and worn. That’s your fault too. Whispered the voice inside her head. 

Josh and Sam were sat together on the final couch, both had turned to look at her as she entered. Josh had a frown on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. Sam looked worried and had a hand on one of Josh’ shoulders, she tried her best to give Jess a friendly smile. 

That just made Jess feel even worse. Sam should have hated her. They all should. She shouldn’t have come. Why did they even invite her? She should just turn around and go home. 

Then she spotted the figure crouched on the end of the couch that Josh and Sam were sitting on. She had her back to Jess, almost in a squatting position, hands holding onto the arm of the couch as she looked out of the large windows. Jessica couldn’t tell what, but even from behind something seemed slightly off about her. Had her limbs got longer? She’d definitely lost a lot of weight. 

As Matt closed the door behind them Hannah turned around. Jess stifled a gasp at the bloody, rawness of the gash across Hannah’s cheek, exposing long sharp teeth. 

A whole avalanche of apologies built up inside of Jessica but they all got stuck in her throat, she didn’t know what to say first, she didn’t think that anything she could say would make any difference anyway. She braced herself, waiting for the inevitable scowl or perhaps even an attack. Imagining Hannah springing toward her and using those teeth to rip her useless jaw apart. 

Then, slowly, Hannah cocked her head, in an oddly animalistic way, inspecting Jess. She seemed inquisitive and slightly trepidatious but not angry. Could it be possible that Hannah didn’t hate her? 

“Jess,” Hannah chirped in a voice that was eerily similar to Jessica’s.    
“Han, you know that freaks people out,” Sam nudged her.    
“Please don’t imitate me again,” Josh begged.    
“No, do your Shrek impression!” Chris grinned. 

Jess felt a wave of relief at the comfortable banter being passed between her friends. She felt a giggle well up inside of her. She tried to keep a straight face but the more she held it the worse it got. After a few seconds, she couldn’t hold it in anymore and burst out laughing. 

They all looked at her like she was mad. A couple of them glared at her. Incensed that she had the nerve to think she was welcome here. 

Jessica didn’t care though. Jessica only had eyes for Hannah and Hannah was smiling and despite the raw, bloody gash marring her face it was a smile that Jess had missed, a smile that Jess never wanted to stop seeing ever again. 


	4. Remember

They waited until Hannah was allowed home to have a funeral for Beth. The casket was closed, of course, there wasn't enough of Beth left to have it open. That didn't make walking into the funeral home any less intimidating to Jessica. 

Despite the success of her visit to the hospital Jess still felt like an alien whenever she was among any of her friends. Matt was friendly as always, Sam tried her hardest to be nice and Hannah was acting like Jess hadn't done anything wrong but the others were still indifferent at best and actively hostile at worst. 

Despite the comfort of seeing them all together and bantering back and forth, something still felt wrong. It was likely that things would never go back to the way they were, how could they? 

Jessica still felt the need to apologise to Hannah. She didn't want to make any excuses, she just wanted to say how sorry she was. But it was hard to get Hannah alone, she always had either Josh or Sam keeping a very close eye on her and in those few, short moments that Jess had managed to have with her she'd found her throat closing up and she lost all ability to form words. 

Jessica had tried her best to look nice for Beth's funeral. She'd borrowed a plain black dress from her sister, worn black flats and styled her hair in a low, tight bun. She'd used minimal make-up, just enough to make her feel comfortable leaving the house. She hoped that Beth would have appreciated her effort and that Hannah would see that she'd tried her best. 

She took a deep breath and entered the large, ornate looking funeral home. As she did, it felt like she was sinking underwater. The sound seemed to muffle, the colours became darker and less saturated, everything was muted. 

There were already a fair few people milling around, talking in hushed tones and keeping their heads bowed. 

Jessica clutched her purse tightly and took a deep breath, holding her head up high. She scoured the room for a familiar face. She spotted Matt, Mike and Emily all standing together and walked over to them.    


“Hey, Jess,” Matt nodded.    
Emily pointedly turned the other way, Mike made a face, gestured apologetically and then turned his back in the same fashion that Emily had done. Jessica and Matt stood in an almost unbearable awkward silence that Jessica instantly felt the need to fill. 

“Seen any of the others?” she asked for lack of a better question.    
“I… uh think Sam is with Hannah and Chris and Ash are with Josh, cause, you know, today’s gonna be really hard on them.”    
“Oh, yeah, right,” Jess nodded, averting her eyes and suddenly becoming very interested in the floor. 

The awkward silence stretched between them again and Jessica hated it. She hated that she couldn’t even talk to Matt anymore, who she’d always found easy to get on with. She hated what the silence said to her, hated how loud it was, how it practically screamed at her. It’s all your fault. If it weren’t for you Beth would still be alive. You killed Beth. You’re back should have broken on those rocks. Your flesh should have frozen and rotted. It should have been you that died out there. 

Jessica couldn’t take it anymore.    
“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” she blurted out suddenly and dashed away. 

She speed-walked across the room, only halfway across did she realise she had no idea which direction the bathroom was in. She looked around for a sign, praying that she wouldn’t have to go back past the others. She spotted a corridor ahead and decided to try her luck, anything would be better than silence. 

She walked quickly down the corridor and found a toilet. She pushed the door open and took a few deep breaths. A bright white automatic light blinked on making her squint. She walked over to the sink and turned the taps on, she just needed some noise to fill the silence. She looked up at her reflection in the mirror and she hated what she saw. 

She scowled at herself. Murderer, said the voice in the back of her head. She took another deep breath. Something that Beth would never do again. God would she give anything to hear one of Beth’s exasperated sighs again. That was the thing that broke her, the image of Beth rolling her eyes at the gossip that Jessica and Emily would always share, especially when they roped Hannah into it too. 

A huge sob welled up inside of her chest then forced its way out of her throat. She pushed away from the sink and curled up on the floor. She buried her face in her knees and cried into them, trying to keep herself quiet. 

“I just need the toilet Han, I’ll be right back,” the door opened and in walked Sam.    
When she spotted Jess curled up on the floor Sam stopped short, not knowing what to do. Jess looked up through the tears running down her cheeks. Sam looked sad and tired and confused. Sam wouldn’t be sad and tired and confused if it wasn’t for Jessica.    
“I-I’m sorry, I’m s-ss-so so sor-ry,” the words just burst out of her, tumbling over each other in the need to get them out, “I’m-m so-sorry,” she couldn’t find anything else to say, she just needed Sam to know how sorry she was. 

Compassion filled Sam’s soft features and she knelt next to Jess. 

“Come here,” she held out her arms.    
Jessica stopped short, this was not the reaction she had expected. She expected to be yelled at, to be given every ounce of what she rightfully deserved.    
“What?” Jessica sniffed and wiped her face.    
“Come here,” Sam repeated and leaned further forward.    
Jessica fell into Sam’s arms and buried herself in the soft, maternal embrace. She sobbed into Sam’s shoulder.    
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, over and over again.    
“I know,” Sam whispered back, gently stroking her head. 

“Sam?”   
Jess and Sam looked up to see Hannah standing in the doorway. Hannah was wearing black trousers and a smart black turtleneck that she clung to the neck of, pulling it up to obscure the bottom half of her face. Her eyes were red and puffy behind her glasses.    
“Hey Han, you doing okay?” Sam asked, turning to Hannah but not letting go of Jess.    
Hannah just shook her head.    
“There’s room for one more,” Sam opened the hug up, offering an arm to Hannah.    
Hannah threw herself into the arms of the other two girls and they all sobbed, clinging to each other tightly. 

Eventually, one by one they all calmed down a little bit and they sat there on the floor of the toilet sniffing and taking deep breaths.   
“Here,” Sam grabbed some toilet roll for each of them to clean themselves up.    
“Thanks,” Jess took it gratefully and started trying to rescue her mascara. 

“Hey, Jess? Would you maybe like to stick with us for the rest of the day?”    
Jessica baulked and looked at each of the other two girls in turn. She couldn’t believe that either of them would want her around after what she did. But Sam was offering her as much of a smile as she could muster and Hannah was nodding vigorously.    
“A-are you sure?” Jessica hiccuped and covered her mouth with her hand.    
Hannah let out a little growling chuckle, the smile on Sam’s face became more genuine. Jessica hiccuped again and groaned.    
“We’re sure,” Sam nodded.    
“We’re going back to my place after to have pizza while…” Hannah trailed off and curled in on herself.    
Sam put an arm around Hannah and hugged her tightly. Jessica, on instinct, leaned over and took Hannah’s thin, scarred hand in her own, squeezing it tightly. Hannah looked up, and although there were still tears in her eyes she nodded a thank you to the other two girls. 

A knock on the door made the three of them jump, Hannah let out a strange-sounding shriek and held more tightly to Jess’ hand.    
“Han?” It was Josh’s voice, “Han? You in there?”    
“Yeah we’re here,” Sam replied.    
Josh opened the door, “thank God, I’ve been looking everywhere for you, service is about to begin.”    
“Thanks, Josh,” Sam nodded beginning to pull the other two up to their feet, then turning to close off the tap.    
“What’s she doing here?” Josh nodded to Jess.    
Jess froze up, this is what she had been prepared for. She braced herself, waiting for the other two to realise who they’d just been comforting.    
But Hannah kept a tight hold on Jess’ hand, “Jess is our friend,” she stated, then pushed past Josh, towing Jess and Sam with her.    
Jessica saw Josh frown as she was pulled past him but he didn’t say anything more. 

They walked out of the corridor and back into the main room to take their seats for the service. Hannah still didn’t let go of Jessica’s hand. 

***

After the funeral had finished Bob and Melinda stayed behind for the cremation, Hannah and Josh had both decided that they couldn’t face staying for it. So Chris, Josh, Ashley, Sam, Hannah and Jessica all piled into Chris’ old beat-up car. It was a tight squeeze because technically it was only supposed to fit five people. 

Josh had tried to convince Hannah and Sam to leave Jessica behind. Hannah and Josh retreated a fair distance to argue about it. Jessica thought that perhaps she should just excuse herself but the second she started to head away Hannah growled at her to stay exactly where she was. Jess stayed rooted to the spot. 

Their argument finished, Hannah and Josh came back over to the car. Josh silently shoved himself into the passenger seat, scowling. Hannah gestured for the rest of them to get in. 

The four girls managed to squish themselves into the back. Jessica was on the end, next to Hannah. She hadn’t been this close to her since before everything happened. 

She was paler than she used to be, her skin had lost its dark Washington tan in the sunless mines. Her face was gaunt, eyes sunken back into the sockets and surrounded by dark circles. Her cheek was still a wet, fleshy, bloody mess, she could see places the skin was irritated and broken where the doctors had tried to sew it up. Her teeth were long and sharp and deadly. 

In that moment Jessica desperately wished she could take everything that she’d done back, not that she hadn’t been feeling that all day, but in that specific moment, it really hit her how much suffering she had put Hannah through. She gulped back tears. She wished there was a way that she could make everything better. But there wasn’t, there was nothing she could do. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered so quietly that she wasn’t even sure that Hannah would hear it despite being pressed up next to her.    
Hannah did hear her though and reached out for her hand again.    
She squeezed Jessica’s hand gently and whispered back, “I know.”    
Then she sighed and leant her head on Jessica’s shoulder and closed her eyes. Jessica felt a weight leave her chest, felt guilt loosen it’s sharp talons a little bit and she knew that Hannah had forgiven her. 

***

Once they reached the Washingtons' house, Josh, Chris and Ashley skulked off to do whatever it was they did and Hannah, Sam and Jess headed upstairs to Hannah’s room. 

Jess couldn’t help the lump that formed in her throat as they passed Beth’s closed bedroom door. 

They all entered Hannah’s large room and stood there, not knowing what to do with themselves and the space that they were occupying. 

Hannah took a few steadying breaths, then her shoulders shook and she burst into deep, heart-wrenching sobs. Sam and Jessica rushed to her, wrapping their arms around her. Her cries were high pitched and agonising, she sounded like a wounded animal. 

They stood like that for a long while, desperately clinging to each other. No one knew whose idea it was to lie down on Hannah’s bed, but that’s where they ended up. They curled up together, staying close, even though there was plenty of room for all three of them to spread out on the king-sized bed. 

Eventually cries turned into sniffles and they were quiet for a while.    
Hannah sniffed and gently wiped her face, avoiding her cheek, “Beth always said I was a cry-baby.”    
“Sometimes crying is a good thing,” Sam whispered.    
Hannah carried on like she hadn’t heard Sam, “she was so strong, you know, she never let anyone mess with me.”    
“I know Han,” Sam nodded. 

A giggle burst out of Jess at a memory that had just come back to her. The other two looked at her in confusion.    
“I’m sorry, I was just thinking about that time she gave Chris a wedgie for calling you stupid.”    
Smiles slowly melted onto their faces and then they laughed too.    
“Yeah,” Hannah chuckled, “he’ll be lucky if he’s still fertile after that.”    
They burst into even more fits of laughter. 

Slowly their laughter died down and silence settled between them again. It wasn’t awkward for Jess like it had been with Matt, it was comfortable. The voices in her head were quiet enough that she could ignore them. 

Hannah took a deep breath, “d-do you two think you could stay over tonight? I-I don’t want to be alone.”    
“Sure Han, if that’s what you want,” Sam nodded.    
Hannah looked at Jess, pleading in her eyes. Jess nodded and Hannah relaxed.    
“Thank you, both of you,” Hannah nodded to each of them.   
“No problem, I’ll always be here for you,” Sam replied.    
Jessica didn’t feel like she deserved to be thanked.    
“But I-” she began.    
Hannah reached out and took her hand, turning her head to look Jessica directly in the eyes.    
“Thank you,” she repeated.    
Jessica nodded and squeezed Hannah’s hand. 

They lay there in silence until, completely exhausted, one by one, they dropped off to sleep. 


	5. Resolution

The next morning they woke up stiff and still tired despite having slept for a good twelve hours. Hannah lent Sam and Jess some pyjamas and then suggested breakfast. Sam declined but Jess accepted and she and Hannah left the bedroom together in search of food.    


“Uh, Jess,” Hannah said nervously, stopping her before they got to the stairs, “I uh, just thought I should let you know, well,” she gestured to her cheek, “eating with this isn’t exactly a pretty sight, that’s why Sam said no, she doesn’t like to watch me eat, and I totally get it, so I won’t be offended if you’d prefer not to have breakfast with me.”    
“I’ve lived through three baby sisters, I think I can cope,” Jess smirked.    
“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Hannah sucked in a breath and they headed downstairs. 

They whipped up a batch of pancakes and fried up some bacon. Jess leaned on the counter and watched with a smile on her face as Hannah stood there in her pyjamas, hair tousled, tongue sticking out as she focused on flipping pancakes. Jess couldn’t think of a more beautiful sight in the world. 

Hannah turned round to place a pancake on the plate and noticed Jess staring at her.    
“What?” Hannah chirped, cocking her head.    
“Nothing,” Jess waved it away. 

Hannah did make quite a mess as she ate her way through a big portion of pancakes and bacon but Jess didn’t mind, if anything it just gave her an excuse to lean across the breakfast counter and wipe morsels from Hannah’s face. 

When they were done they washed up together, jostling each other and splashing each other with little flicks of water.    
“You know, there is a dishwasher,” they jumped to find Sam leaning against the doorframe.    
“It’s full,” Hannah shrugged.    
“Sure it is,” Sam nodded, a knowing smirk on her face, “you two wanna watch a movie once you’re done playing house?”    
After a beat, Hannah replied, “sure.”    
Jessica looked at Hannah but she shifted so that her hair hung over her face. Jess frowned, for a second there, she could have been sure she saw a blush creeping up Hannah’s cheeks. 

They cosied up on the beanbags in the cinema room wrapping themselves up in blankets and getting comfortable. They chose a chick flick and settled down to watch it. As they watched the film Hannah’s head ever so slowly sunk down until it was resting on Jess’ shoulder. Jess wasn’t complaining and shifted herself a little closer to Hannah. She felt like she could stay that way forever, so much so that she was disappointed when the credits started to roll. 

“How about another one?” Sam asked reaching for the remote.    
“Definitely,” Hannah nodded and turned to beam at Jess.    
Jessica’s heart skipped a beat. Despite the gash in her cheek and the scars and the exhaustion, Jess had never witnessed anything more perfect. That moment solidified for her that she was hopelessly in love with Hannah Washington. 

“Jess? Another film?” Sam asked.    
Jess shook herself out of her Hannah induced trance and turned her attention to Sam.    
“Sure,” she smiled softly. 

They chucked on another chick flick and settled back into their comfortable positions. About halfway through the film, Sam got up to go to the toilet. After a few moments of silence, Hannah sighed contently, burrowing herself further into Jess’ side.    
“This is nice,” she whispered.   
“Yeah?” Jess smiled.    
“Yeah,” Hannah nodded, turning her head to look up at Jess.    
Her good eye traced the contours of Jess’ face coming to rest on her lips.    
“What?” Jess grinned.    
Hannah leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Jess’ lips. As she leant away a look of horror melted onto her face as she realised what she’d just done.    
“I-I’m sorry,” she stuttered, “I shouldn’t have-”   
“Hannah,” Jess interrupts, “there’s something I need you to know… I-I love you,”   
“Jess, I can’t-” Hannah shakes her head, sitting up.    
“I know,” Jess sits up too, “and that’s okay. I just needed you to know, I love you, and I’m here for you and I’ll wait.”    
“Thank you,” Hannah sighs in relief and then takes a deep breath, “I-I-”  
“You don’t need to say it back Han, you don’t need to say anything,” Jess puts a hand over one of Hannah’s.    
Hannah takes Jess’ hand in her own and holds it tightly, “what if- what if I want to say something?”    
“Okay,” Jess nodded.    
Jess waited patiently as Hannah took a moment to prepare herself.    
After a while, Hannah said, “I’m sad and confused and... so many other things and I-I can’t do anything about it right now but I need you to know that I love you too.”   
Jessica pulled Hannah into a tearful embrace and they held each other tightly. 

“Woe? What did I miss?” Sam walked back into the room.    
Hannah and Jess released each other to dry their eyes and laughed nervously.    
“Well, I think the main girl is like in love with that guy, no, that guy,” Jess points to the screen, “when she should be in love with the other guy but I’m not really sure I haven’t been paying that much attention.”    
Hannah laughed, Jessica smirked, Sam rolled her eyes.    
“Sure, I meant the film,” Sam muttered throwing herself back down on her beanbag, “I’ll get it out of you somehow Han, and you know it.”    
Jess and Hannah turned to each other and shared a small, secret smile. And they both knew that even if everything was a sad, confused mess at the moment that one day things would be alright again. 


End file.
